Start Demanding the Respect You Deserve!

Last night, I was walking home when I passed a couple holding hands. They looked to be in their teens and were engaged in a very loud conversation. I have no idea what they were talking about but when I got closer to them I heard the guy say to the girl "I don't care because you are a freaking whore anyway". And what was the girls response? She simply laughed and said "I'm not a whore" and continued to hold his hand as they walked down the street arguing.

I was so digusted after seeing this. I am in no way passing judgment. I was in a verbally abusive relationship myself for 3 years and my mom was physically abused for a decade so I really do understand that it is not easy for women to walk away from abuse. But what really upset me was that the girl didn't even seem to know that what her boyfriend was saying to her was abuse.

I think back on my own relationship and the number of times I was called a b****, a whore, and every other disgusting name you could possibly imagine. I was cussed out daily, constantly put down, disrespected in public, and made to look like a fool in front of anyone who would listen. And when I did say you can't talk to me like that or you can't treat me this way, deep down what I really felt was this is only happening because I deserve it, if only I could be better this would stop.

And that, sadly, is the thinking of so many young girls today. It's painful for me to watch. When a guy calls a girl stupid, people laugh. When he tells her that her opinions or wants are stupid, she continues to hold his hand and act like nothing is happening. When he cusses her out and hangs up on her, she continues to call him back. When he talks badly about her in front of his friends, they all chime in and put her down too. When he talks badly about her in front of females, they all side with him putting down this poor girl without ever getting her side of the story. No one ever stops to think that something is wrong with this dude putting down the woman he claims to care about in public regardless of what she did.

This has all got to stop. But how? Can we stop abuse? Of course not, but we can fix ourselves first.

No one will give the respect you deserve unless you demand it. How do you demand it? When a guy disrespects you, stop entertaining him. You might think gee that's a little harsh but is it really? Do you really want to share the most intimate parts of yourself with someone who doesn't even care enough about you to address you by your name? Do you really want a man like that to be the father of your kids? Do you want to entrust your physical safety and well being to a man who treats you like dirt? If the answer is no, then simply don't do it! The next time that man hangs up on you, calls you a name, puts you down, embaresses you in public, makes a mockery of your feelings, or disrespects you in any way, move on to the next. Trust me, the longer you stay the worse it will get.

When I got tired of my ex using me as his punching bag, I stopped allowing him to treat me that way (I really should have left but I wasn't strong enough then). Did it make him change his behavior? No, but I changed mine. When he called me stupid I said ok, hung up the phone and went about my business. When he tried to scream at me I'd say you can call me back when you calm down until then I am not available. When I stopped entertaining his foolishness, he moved on. He left the relationship and was engaged to someone else a few months later.

A man does not have to hit you for you to be the victim of abuse. If a relationship is causing you pain, that is probably a sign. Just ask would you want this guy to be in a relationship with your best friend or your sister? If the answer is no, then why do you accept it for yourself? Remember, you deserve so much more and will never get it until you stop accepting anything less.

God Why Am I Still Single?

When I hear Christian women ask this question, a woman (who is usually married) will respond by saying "God will send you a husband when you are ready" or "marriage isn't that good anyway be happy you are single". Neither of those responses offers any encouragement to the single Christian woman who desires to be married and still has not met "the one".

I was watching an episode of TLCs Say Yes to the Dress a few weeks ago and one of the bride's featured was a 27 year old woman looking for a dress for her second wedding. I remember thinking wow, she's 27 and has already met two men she wanted to marry...I haven't even met one. It doesn't help that every time I log onto my facebook account, another one of my classmates is either engaged, married or getting ready to have a baby.

I think as a Christian I often feel that if I pray for something and don't get it, it must be because I am doing something wrong or I'm not holy enough. Well I don't think that is the answer. If God's blessings were dependant on my perfection I would never receive anything!

Yes I am a Christian but I am still a human being. And though the most important thing to me is that I marry a godly man, I also want to marry a man that I am attracted to and that I love. The attitude for a lot of Christians seems to be that the only thing that matters is that a man is a believer. So when Joe walks up to you after church and expresses interest, the fact that you are not attracted to him should not be relevant. After all how many good single Christian men are you going to meet? I firmly disagree with that. Women who aren't believers won't go out with everyone who asks them. Why should I? And it doesn't help when books by authors such as Joshua Harris are presented to young Christian girls as the absolute truth when it is nothing more than one man's experience.

The fact is that sometimes a man can possess a lot of good qualities and still not be the one for you. Sometimes the fear of never meeting someone else with those good qualities causes us to enter into unfulfilling relationships. After spending years in an unhappy relationship I can say that without a doubt, every day that I spent alone is better than any day I spent with a man who was not the one for me.

Whenever I start to get discouraged I reflect on Proverbs 10:22 which says the blessings of the Lord maketh rich and addeth no sorrow. When you receive something from the Lord it is only supposed be a positive contribution to your life not bring you pain and misery. James 1:17 says every good and perfect gift comes from the Lord. If something is not good, it is not from Him.

I refuse to settle for someone who is not for me and if that means that I'll be single longer than any of my friends then that's just the way it is going to be.

Summer TV Review: Plain Jane

Photo courtesy of Matt Kennedy and the CW All Rights Reserved

The CW has been advertising their new reality show Plain Jane for months now. I've been so excited to watch this show. When the previews started airing I hated that I would have to wait until the end of summer to watch a single episode. I am a firm believer that confidence in women is key! There are so many bad situations in my life that I could have avoided if I had more self esteem. True beauty does come from within but let's be honest, the outside package counts too.

My biggest problem with the show is that it is premised on the idea of catching a man. These girls are all on the show because they think they need to be "hotter" if they are going to have any chance of landing their dream guy. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be the best you possible and we women are all guilty of spending a few extra minutes in front of the mirror when there is a guy we like. However, I have a serious problem with the idea that these girls somehow need to change themselves to get a guy. If a guy that is your friend didn't notice you without 4 inch heels and a skin tight dress then you may need to find another guy. Creating a fake you to please a man is only going to bring you misery. Trust me I know.

At the end of the show, the newly transformed girl presents herself to the object of her affection and reveals her secret love for him. Waiting for the guy to recover from the shock and embarrassment is nothing short of awkward. And could you imagine if he said not interested. What would happen to that poor girl?

But the show was not all bad. At the end when this week's "plain jane" Cristen revealed her secret crush to her friend of 6 years, he told her that he had a crush on her since college and just never told her. See? He liked her exactly the way she was before all the hair and makeup. That to me was beautiful.

The show ended with pictures of the new couple and they seemed pretty happy together. Suprisingly Cristen looked like herself just with perfectly tweezed eyebrows and a chic new haircut. By the time the show went off I found myself thinking I was perhaps a bit too quick to make a negative judgment. Maybe they didn't try to change this girl but just tried to give her the tools to be a more improved happier version of herself. It definitely seemed to work.

I think I'll keep tuning in...

Plain Jane airs Wednesday nights at 9 EST on the CW.

Your Ex Is A Jerk? Ok, Now Move On!

So this afternoon I was watching an episode of the Tyra show with guests who claimed they suffered from sexorexia (in other words they no longer engaged in sexual activity of any kind as a punishment to themselves for some other issue). Well there was this dude on the show telling everyone how he hasn't had sex in 8 years because his ex-girlfriend disappeared for 5 days then came back and said she didn't want to be with him anymore--and it broke his heart. The ex was on the show and the guy was sitting on the couch crying and looking at her saying "you never even said sorry". Dude it's been 8 years. As if that's not bad enough, he proceeds to talk about how he lost his job, has no money, his car is falling apart and women don't want him because he doesn't have, in his words, "bling-bling". Well, sir, maybe if you focused your energy on working and building up your finances instead of walking around depressed about a relationship that ended 8 years ago you wouldn't be broke.

Ok, I don't mean to make light of his pain. We've all been there. There's an ex that completely abuses your trust and treats you in a way that no human being deserves to be treated and you are in more pain than you even knew was humanly possible. I don't know about you, but when I was in the situation it made me feel better to tell people how much of a jerk my ex was. But it wasn't so much out of hate for him. I wanted to make myself feel better about how much anger and pain I was feeling and I thought if I could get my friends and family to say he was a bad person then I could justify all the pain I was in.

Watching that guy showed me something though. We will all probably suffer some kind of betrayal at some point in our life. And it is great for friends and family to offer us their shoulder to cry on as we try to move on from those painful experiences. But the important thing is that we move on. I won't place any kind of time limit on moving on...it took me years to recover from my ex. But when it's been 8 years and you are still crying like it happened yesterday you haven't moved on. And though you may want the whole world to see how bad of a person your ex is the only thing you actually end up accomplishing is making yourself look crazy.

Racism Has Got to End

Racism is sick. I grew up in the South so I am well aware of just how racist some people can be towards blacks...and yes this still goes on in 2010. I am also in a predominantly white profession. When I sit in my law classes, or walk into the offices of my internship, I am usually the only black face. Matter of fact, I'm usually the only person of color period. Every time my fellow interns get together and magically forget to invite me, or an employer lectures me about the importance of being on time and not turning in crappy work even when I have done nothing wrong, or a fellow intern looks in my face and has the nerve to tell me they like me because I am "not like normal black people", it hurts. I have spent years working hard to prove myself in a society that has considered me a failure from the beginning. Poor black southern girl from a single parent household...what will she ever accomplish? But by the grace of God I have accomplished.

There is nothing more demeaning or humiliating than when you experience racism. The first time someone ever calls you the n-word, it does something to you. But one thing I know, hate breeds hate. And I refuse to be a victim of racism. I will continue to pursue whatever path in life I choose to follow. And most importantly, I will not allow racists to win by making me hate!

Black people seem to have this opinion that blacks can't be racist...we've experienced too much oppression ourselves to ever be in that category. Well that is a huge lie! I have been honest here that I have a tiny obsession with blogs. Well today, I went on mediatakeout.com and one of their stories was that Essence magazine (which I love!) just hired a white woman as one of their main editors and that they would officially be cancelling their subscriptions. Now was there any evidence that Essence passed up on a more qualified black applicant to hire this woman? No. So why the anger? Oh I know, because of the color of her skin...

Essence isn't immune either. The other day I was reading an article on their website written by a black woman as she was contemplating whether or not she should consider dating men of other races. I am not a fan of that conversation (but that is a topic for another day). However, I was completely relating to everything she said until I got to the end of the article and she stated that she told her girlfriends one of the reasons why she didn't date white men is because "they just smell different". Excuse me? White people smell different?! If I ever overheard a group of white men sitting around talking about they couldn't date a black woman because we smell different I wouldn't hesitate to call them racist. And I am not going to hesitate with this woman. She took the time to write an article for a magazine. Proofread countless times. And yet still determined that was on ok statement to make. Something is wrong!

I am sick of racism. I am tired of the nasty comments and the snide looks. Racism hurts and I will never, I mean NEVER, make another human being feel the way I feel when it happens to me. Martin Luther King, Jr. dreamed of a world where people would be judged not by the color of their skin, but the content of their character. That didn't just apply to black people. When you judge a white person simply by their skin color, you are no different than the white racists you continue to fight against. Yes white people are the majority. Yes they are the ones in power. And yes racism towards them probably does not affect them even a fraction as much as it affects those of us in the black community. But wrong is wrong. When I walk into a room I want people to see me and form an opinion based on my actions. And I do the same towards everyone I meet regardless of their ethnicity because I am not a hypocrite.

Nice Girls Marry Last?

As a child I was always told there were two types of girls: the ones guys wanted to marry and the ones they wanted to sleep with and if you fell into the latter category your reputation was ruined and no guy would publicly admit to wanting to be with you.

Things are a lot different than when I was a teenage girl. I remember when Britney Spears first came out, everyone made a big deal about her claim that she was a virgin and many were outright offended when they found out that was no longer the case. Christina Aguilera caused a stir when she made her video for "Dirty" because she was wearing a red corset, hot pants, a bra top and chaps all while dancing provocatively. R&B singer Brandy had a child with her then boyfriend and put on a sham marriage for years (there was even a reality show documenting the lie) all in an attempt to protect her "good girl" image--God forbid the world know she got knocked up. I could go on and on...

These days are different. Morality is no longer praised. The Jonas Brothers are mocked for their decision to remain chaste. Kim Khardasian has managed to make a career off of a sex tape and the world seems to adore her for it. No longer are intimate moments shared between a couple kept between that couple to be treasured and valued. It used to be your body wasn't something you revealed to just anyone. Now teenage girls (and some grown women) are posting pictures in their bra and panties on social networking sites and sleeping with anything that calls them cute.

So why the change? Most guys say they want a "good girl" to raise their kids and set a positive example for their daughters. But then you look at the media and see Kanye West flaunting a stripper as his girlfriend, countless R&B singers entering relationships with video girls, and athletes actually marrying their groupies. You would expect that to be characteristic of men that aren't believers, but now men in the church are doing it too!

So then I'm left to wonder, where do the nice girls fit in?

I know lots of nice girls that are single. Good, honest, hard working women that can't get a man. And I know plenty of not so nice ones that are not. Then I start to think, is a nice girl's lack of "experience" now a negative that makes her unappealing to men still in their 20s and not ready to give up the bachelor lifestyle to commit to a long term relationship? Well maybe. But what does it matter. Would you really want to marry the type of guy that would sleep around with any kind of woman anyway. I'm not going to wait for some guy in his mid 30s who finally wants to settle down, marry the nice girl, and have a family after he's bedded everything that even looked at him in his 20s. I don't want every woman's sloppy seconds.

Do nice girls marry last? I'm not sure. But one thing is certain. You don't have to resort to taking provocative pictures and walking around practically naked in public to get a man. Be yourself and maintain your purity. And even if you marry later than everyone else, at least you'll know that it is to a man that respects himself enough not to violate his body by sleeping with any random woman and that he has enough respect for women not to take advantage of their low self esteem. You'll know that he's with you not just for your body, but also your mind and soul. And most of all you'll know he is moral and a man of God by more than just words.

That to me is worth the wait!